Good tidings to all! Hosanna in excelsis in more ways than one maybe! We are in the full swing of both the offseason and Christmas season! So why not get even more in the spirit by baking a delightful batch of Christmas cookies? And these cookies aren’t just any old sugar cookies—these are the Red Sox Offseason Christmas Cookies! Chock full of anxiety, consternation, and inaction, these cookies taste just like money that isn’t being spent, which, if we think about it, is really supposed to be the meaning of Christmas or something, according to Charlie Brown or whatever. They’re great for the whole family!
I’d add the soppy/sappy/stupid/over-worded/pointless story that you see before recipes on recipe blogs to beef this up for the millennials, but other than saying what we all already know, I don’t have much to add that’s relevant.
- 24 cups of John Henry (one for every year he’s been the Red Sox owner)
- NOTE: 4-5 of these cups are allowed to be fresh, signifying the years under John Henry that the Red Sox won the World Series. For sanity’s sake, the 2025 John Henry cup can be a little more fresh as well, so we can have some optimism going into the next season. The rest should be tasteless, stale, or noticeably cheap.
- 2 sticks of Craig Breslow (one for every year he’s been the Red Sox CBO)
- 3 tablespoons of the Orioles/Blue Jays (mixed)
- ????? of Sam Kennedy (Who even knows. It can be any measurement you want, depending on how mad you are at the Red Sox organization right now)
- 2 heaps of Rafael Devers (Will contain money)
- 1 scoop of Pete Alonso
- 1 scoop of Kyle Schawrber
- 0.5 scoops of Sonny Gray
- A sprinkling of Brian Cashman
Makes [ERROR: 401: NUMBER NOT FOUND] cookies.
Step 1: Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.
Step 2: Combine 23 of your 24 cups of John Henry and ???? of Sam Kennedy into a large bowl. Mix well.
Step 3: Add the 2 heaps of Rafael Devers. Mix as best you can.
Step 4: Add in the 2 sticks of Craig Breslow. You will notice the ingredients have stopped mixing well. This is expected.
Step 5: Remove as much of the Rafael Devers as you can from your batch. In its place you will see money. Lots and lots of money! Surely that will enhance these cookies! But you need to pair it with other ingredients or else it’s pointless.
Step 6: Consider adding the 1 scoop of Kyle Schwarber. While thinking about it, throw in the 0.5 scoops of Sonny Gray.
Step 7: Oops, your Kyle Schwarber got stolen by another baker. The one that had already had him most recently, actually. It really stinks because he would’ve been a great fit at Fenway like he was in 2021. While shrugging, consider adding Pete Alonso.
Step 8: While considering Pete Alonso, absentmindedly throw in your 3 tablespoons of the Orioles/Blue Jays. Oh no! They’ve been doing more than you this offseason! Womp womp! You’re lucky this recipe didn’t also call for any helping of the Braves! Ha ha ha!
Step 9: Surely adding Pete Alonso will be just what the recipe needs to give it that fullness. Well, oops, your Pete Alonso got stolen by the aforementioned Orioles. I’d say Uh-Oh Spahgetti-O’s, but there’s no Spaghetti-O’s in this recipe! (Yet.)
Step 10: Mix all together, then strain your batter so the money escapes. Add the strained money into the final cup of John Henry, set aside.
Step 11: Scoop spoonfuls of batter onto a Pam™-sprayed tray. Bake for 45 minutes.
Step 12: Once cookies are baked, add the sprinkling of Brian Cashman to taste. Because hey, you’re not the only AL East team basically doing dink right now! Thank goodness!
The cookies will likely be dry, flavorless, and filled with unfulfilled promise. But they will have that touch of sweetness that reminds you that at LEAST David Stearns wasn’t involved in all of this.
So serve and enjoy! Happy Holidays!
