The main takeaway of this year’s Home Run Derby: The new format gives plaers 20 swings in the first round and 15 thereafter, unless the final swing results in a homer, in which it can continue to infinite swings. Minus a Stanley Kubrick- or David Fincher-type possessing the skills of Kenny Lofton, this is an ideal scenario. You don’t need to take my word for it though. They wanna hit and tonight, the proof was in the pudding. This derby was fun to start to finish. Willson Contreras didn’t win but he was the perfect heel.
The secondary takeaway: MLB spent money on this, at least by their standards. Barry Bonds, Will Ferrell, Michael Buffer, more. They wanted people to watch, and they put on a show.
Round 1: Willson leads off, beats everyone’s booties en route to Round 2
Willson was booed lustily when he was introduced, which is the Philly way of saying “I love you,” so the vibes were good. They also famously love brawlers, and, well, Willson is one. And hoooo boy, did he seem like he was at home. He was the first person to hit, and holy smokes did he deliver, hitting not just 13 homers on 20 swings in, but hitting bombs in between laser shots to the corners. Since it was a new format, he was able to milk the clock very nicely, a very smart move, before his last ball. He took four pitches, building drama, before flying off the wall in deep left center.
So then Jordan Walker of the Cardinals came up, and hit 13. Which still seemed amazing, but was it the players, or the format? The answer: The players! He was on one! Jac Caglianone hit 8 taking pitches from his dad — which, I mean, is a better than winning the thing, it’s the best day of your life, but you ain’t gonna win — and after an incredible middle section he faded out not leastwise because his dad is older than me, who was born during the Carter Administration. If I was pitching he’d have advanced tho. Just saying. I can still throw a meatball if nothing else.
Munetaka Murakami came on and sort of biffed it and hit 9 without his dad pitching. They didn’t say he was, at least. But then Ben Rice came out and had his dad pitch to him, and he hit 7 and sucked for him and ruled for us, because the Yankees are trash. Junior Caminero then came out without his dad and hit 12. Do you see the pattern? Do you see it?
Unfortunately, this event being in Philly, the Phillies were saved until the end. Red Sox legend/MLB home run leader Kyle Schwarber came out and needed 10 to advance. So he hit 10 and had to rely on teammate Bryce Harper not to displace him. And look as a person Harper’s just exhausting but the man can hit a baseball. Just not as good as Red Sox legend Schwarbs, as Harper, laden by FanDuel cash, only merited 8 homers. Onward.
Round 1 notes: Chris Sale’s kids look like Chris Sale
Round 2: Willson, booed the entire time and loving every second, loses in absurdly theatrical match against Red Sox legend Kyle Schwarber
Now it was Junior vs. Walker and Willson vs. Red Sox legend Schwarbs in head-to-head semifinal matchups, which are down to 15 swings. The change in formats caught me by surprise but I get them.
Junior started things off. FYI the distance tiebreaker, which was in place in Round 1, did not apply to Round 2. So we’re in swing-off territory. But Junior only hit 5, so not really an issue. Good for us, at least. Also Willson hadn’t yet started a fight. Alas, the night was still young. As is Walker, who, I mean, looked absolutely sick and hit 6 homers to beat Junior with a handful of swings to spare. As I’m writing this right now he seems the most locked in.
Red Sox legend Schwarbs led off on the other side of the bracket, and he kicked ass, hitting 9 no-doubt dongers. What can we even say? He was here! He was right here! Red Sox legend Schwarbs now and forever. Except right now, against Willson. This is the exception that proves the rule.
But now he came on and was lustily booed until he made an out, at which point the crowd was nuts. Incredible hating. It was glorious, I can’t lie. If he took a pitch, they booed louder. Game recognize game. He was hapless through 7 swings, got hot, got cold, got hot, took it down to the last swing with the crowd in a lather. His pitcher “threw at him,” evoking laughs. Then he popped out and the crowd went wild. It was amazing, and Willson loved every moment of playing the villain. But he had a blast. Onward.
Round 3: Red Sox legend Kyle Schwarber loses in dramatic fashion to non-Red Sox legend Jordan Walker
Time comes for us all, but Kyle Schwarber doesn’t wanna hear it. At 33 years old, he’s as good as ever, probably because he played for us those few months (but also because his archetype lends itself to this sorta thing). That’s just science. He hit 11 homers and finally hit the magenta last ball, which is worth more I think. Walker came out second and just didn’t have it… at first. He was booed as lustily as Willson and fell behind Schwarbs’ pace before a furious comeback, showered by boos, that drew him to within one swing, 11-10. Homer or go home. he hit a homer to make it 11-11. Now it’s a homer and we go home. Guess what he did next? Here’s a hint: this blog is over. And the Home Run Derby is back.
